I recently had a colleague who tried to convince me to move for my career to Boston. For a plethora of reasons, my answer was, absolutely not. But the short answer is no because I absolutely love New York. I love New York despite the rats, who now run our city. And for that reason, I’m applying to be New York’s first-ever Rat Czar. Okay, I’m kidding but how crazy is it that we actually need one?
I was at the press conference last October outside City Hall when Mayor Eric Adams officially declared that rats have no place in this city. In an effort to shut down the all you can eat rat buffet on city sidewalks, Adams changed the city-wide trash rules for restaurants, businesses and residential buildings. As of April 1st, there will be precise windows when you can put the trash out. The goal is that less trash time on the streets leads to fewer rat feasts.
Since we’re about a month away from the new rat-induced trash laws, I feel like it’s time to reflect on how we got here.
The Pandemic hits, the city shuts down, trash overflows on city streets, outdoor dining appears and here we are. For me, the full realization of our new leaders was in July of 2021. I met a friend for an al fresco covid-safe dinner a few blocks from my apartment, and walked home after about 10pm. I got to my street and anywhere between 20 and 50 rats were holding court on the sidewalk in front of my apartment. So, I was dipping and dodging cars, bikes and stray rats trying to make a run for the sidewalk. All of a sudden, the voice of an angel rang out. He said, “Come here, follow me.” This friendly gentle giant of a neighbor I’d never met before emerged and told me to walk directly behind him. He stomped down the sidewalk and led me to my door as I sprinted inside to safety. In this “Operation: Avoid Rats, Get Home,” some rats simply watched, some fled, but my new hero’s bravery gave me refuge. This is when I knew we no longer ran this city, but the rats that first took our pizza and now our pride were in full dictatorship control.
From neighborly gestures to 311 reports, we’re all just doing our best to gain back some ground. My friends own a home in Brooklyn and they’re going through WWIII with the city’s RatPortal after they say their 311 complaints were closed without being solved. According to the city, if you own a home, you are REQUIRED to keep rats out of your home and take necessary action. So like good NYC neighbors they reported nearby properties with rat issues. They believe said rats are originating from trash and debris close by and that the vermin are expanding their territory by digging tunnels in their yard. My friend asked for a city-approved exterminator, which the city declined to give. And, the finger pointing battle of “buRATucracy” continues. Hence, the need for the infallible six-figure paid Rat Czar.
However, let’s all agree that NYC needs a new mascot, maybe the rats can go get that job in Boston?
